U.S. 2-1 Canada: Letters from the Gold Cup
The Love Letter
Dear Frankie,
You know how they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Frankly, Frankie, I don’t even know what that means. I just know that when I behold you, my heart explodes.
It isn’t your looks; Alexi Lalas and Cobi Jones had better hair in their prime. It certainly isn’t your youthfulness; to tell the truth, you’re getting on in years. It definitely isn’t your touch; that is always too hard or too soft, never “just right,” you know?
What sets you apart, Frankie, is that you’re passionate. No one else exudes unbridled excitement for the game like you do. During the national anthem, while Kasey Keller sang along and the other players stood with quiet reverence, you could hardly stop shaking. The look in your eyes took my breath away.
And Frankie, when you raised your arm to block D-Ro’s headbutt and the referee wrote your name in his little black book, I could hardly contain my jealous anger. He had no right to do that to you. He had no right to do that to us.
I understand that you have to cancel our date on Sunday. I won’t lie and tell you it doesn’t hurt. It does. Just know that I’ll be thinking of you.
xoxo
The Pink Slip
Dear Eddie Johnson:
First of all, let me say that I think you are a nice guy who means well.
Unfortunately, that’s just not enough for us. It just seems like you aren’t driven to succeed.
Look at your co-workers, Eddie. They are doing everything they can to help advance your career. They get the ball to you every way they can: over the top, by way of a through ball (our company’s bread and butter!), or a quick one-two. But, most of the time, you are just plain uncooperative. Your peers don’t always want the ball back, Eddie. Sometimes, they want you to think inside the 18-yard box and run with the idea.
Last night, when your feeble “shot on goal” trickled into the hands of the Canadian keeper, Landon Donovan half-heartedly applauded your effort. The fact is, he knows—we all know—that it isn’t enough.
I think this fast-paced, high-pressure environment is too much for you but I wish you luck in the future. And, Eddie, if the real world shuts you out, I’m sure there will always be a place for you in MLS.
The Eviction Notice
Oh Canada…
Just before the game began last night, I told my wife how lucky we are to have neighbors like you. I explained that you are a quiet, respectful neighbor; the kind with whom we could share a beer, even if it is Labatt Blue, which we only pretend to like. Moreover, unlike some other neighbors, the thought of playing in our yard with you didn’t make us queasy.
Last night, though, things got a little out of hand. Little Iain, who appears to have spent too much time on a frozen lake with a stick and puck, cross-checked one of our guys. A little later, another one of your children—I forget his name—did the same to Landon. Later, your favorite son, Dwayne, did something awful to our boy, Frankie (he called it a “Zidane,” whatever that is).
And that isn’t the worst of it. Remember that unspecified neighbor I mentioned earlier? It turns out they provided the referee for the game last night. Somehow, he managed to miss all of the aforementioned incidents. Canada, if you’re going to be chumming it up with that neighbor, I’m afraid we’re going to have to ask you to move in with him. I’m sure it’ll be rough at first—you guys seemed pretty upset with him last night. But once he explains that, for 93 minutes, he tried to give you the game, you’ll patch things up.
This weekend, we’re going on a vacation to a place called the “Gold Cup Finals.” When we get back on Sunday night, it would be best if you weren’t around. We don’t care where you go (south maybe?) but you can’t stay here with the attitude you showed last night.
The Instant Message
Hi Mex how r u?
Nice try w/ teh ref. LOL! 
C U Sunday.
17 comments
Classic. Thanks Josh for brightening my day! : )
Comic genius!
As much as I love Keller, it’s about time for him to take a permanent place on the bench. He now has his 100 caps, congrats to him, but Tim Howard is obviously the better player at this point in their careers.
best post ever.
The only thing wrong with Canada is that it is located so close to the US. I am ashamed at the outcome and I worry about the quality of our American squad if and when they have to face the big boys.
Brilliant!
Would you be my neighbor?
In regards to your comments on Canada,
I think Iain Hume was sent on to answer the almost kneck-breaking knee high challenge on DeGuzman which should have been a straight red card for Mr. Bocanegra.
In regards to your love for Frankie,
I think the yellow card was for elbowing DeRosario in the head BEFORE DeRosario head-butted him in retaliation.
Regardless, a brilliant performance. Stunning, well placed, and curling goal. He will be missed in the final.
In regards to the referees,
A poor showing. The final offsides call against Canada was appalling, and I think a tighter called game in the first half would not have allowed Hume to be so barbaric in the second.
In regards to Johnson,
For the national team, he looks how I look trying to play striker: inept, confused, and absolutely no confidence.
In regards to the US National team,
We have to find a way to kill off a match. We keep giving allowing teams back into the game.
Brilliant!
Would you be my neighbor?
I’ve got news for you, Lightning Striker: play your cards right and I just might move into your basement!
As much as I love Keller, it’s about time for him to take a permanent place on the bench. He now has his 100 caps, congrats to him, but Tim Howard is obviously the better player at this point in their careers.
He really looked off last night, didn’t he? I’m with you; it’s Timmy’s spot to lose.
No kidding about the referees. When your having to run off the pitch because of a bunch of pissed of Canadians, you must have REALLY blown it. It’s one thing to extend last hopes by stretching 4 mins of stoppage into 5, but then to yank back their equalizing goal when you KNEW it wasn’t offside. Bold.
Brilliant stuff, Josh. Keep up the good work!
Nice. Looks like you’re angling for the Simmons-of-soccer role.
I liked the letters. Very funny.
Eddie Johnson is still a bit of a mystery. Will he ever develop or will he be one of those youngsters with bright future and nothing more?
As to the call: bad call, no question. Should have been 2:2 and overtime. USMNT can count themselves lucky on this one.
Tomorrow should be interesting: 70,000 Mexican fans at Soldier Field. And the bad thing for US is that the Mexicans have been attrocious and they still made it to the final.
For me this game is too close to call. I know the Mexicans choke on US soil, but you never know.
Brilliant!
America, f-ya!
Way to go boys. Looking forward to the gloating and fun you’ll have with this Josh.
–WKW
[...] U.S. 2-1 Canada: a review in letters [...]
[...] me a bit of what I said previously about Eddie Johnson. The problem? Brian McBride is retired and we need someone who’ll put the ball in the back of [...]
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